A Seasonal Helping of Wretchedness

It’s too much. It’s too fucking much.

I’m beginning to think there’s seriously something wrong with me. I am pulling farther and farther away from people (from all people). I have alienated myself from family and friends, old and new.

I find relationships so uncomfortable. The thought of going out for a drink with my boyfriend disturbs me. I feel anxious whenever the phone rings. I can’t relate to people. I can’t reconcile my relationship to others and the world.

Relationships are so tense—I can hardly bear them. I keep disappointing those who care about me. I have become estranged, like I hardly exist. Or others hardly exist.

Every moment invites constant negotiation. I am burning up inside. If I am not busy, I am burning up inside. Oh, what is this feeling? What is this situation and how did I get here?

My sisters were cold as ice tonight. They think I’m “weird.”

I am the blackest of sheep.

My father can’t relate to me whatsoever. It’s getting worse. I can’t bear superficial moments (a sideways hug and light squeeze).

Have I always been this way? I genuinely do not know.

I am liable to slip away.
What will happen if I slip away?

I suspect the awkwardness is mine alone—a minefield of my creation. How do I fix it? Do I even want to fix it? I think I do. I yearn to connect, but something stops me. A flaring panic I’ve had for years—and fears. I blame this on other people half the time, but it is me.

How can I appear to be such a different person than I actually am?

I have had an incredible life and become traumatized—this I must admit.

Mock the weak.
I can only buck up.

But I am sick of disappointing others. When I try to stop and think about it, I can’t think. For ages, I have resolved that something must change, but what and how?

The things I care about are so stupid.

Perhaps I have a nervous disorder.

My stomach hurts.

Do other people feel this way?

I wish to disappear. It’s getting to be too much.

PLEASE don’t let my life be a waste. There is so much I wish to write.
If only I could think.